Can’t help but get a little excited each time I close my eyes. Has always been this way, always. Tomorrow has forever felt to me like a lazy attempt by a great hand to buff the slate clean; yesterday’s residue is visible if I squint but largely, new dew has settled on the charred grasses and the seething world is thankful it wasn’t lost sometime in the night. Doesn’t each new day feel like some kind of diet forgiveness? It might have less carbs or trans fat than the real thing, and maybe it’s a hair blander, but still: it’s forgiveness, and off with you to dance through the day. I remember perpetrating awful things during my days and thinking as I was acting: tomorrow, this will be delible, a memory, or that some kind of tide washes in during sleep and as it washes out, yesterday’s constructions awake weakened, for better or worse. If you’ve been a bad person, this gives you comfort. If you’ve toiled nobly at some brand of nobleness, this fading might worry you and cause you to work hard to maintain a ghost. For what?
And this is the home stretch for a little chapter in my life…okay, it was a huge chapter: college. It’s as good as over. Thoughts have turned full-on to working overseas. Bought a passport today and it should be here before May begins. I’m trying to get to Seoul. Money’s good, chances of meeting like-minded folks is good, and it’ll be good to see a new landscape, learn about a new culture. Am I convincing myself? Sort of. I was thinking Thailand, but the pay’s shite and they don’t fly you there. The plane ticket’s the biggest expense, easy.
So tomorrow I spend at the lib. Scribble scribble scribble DONE. Yeah, right.
A new endeavor, soon to fail but nevertheless a worthwhile effort: every morning I’m going to set aside time to record the first thoughts/residual dream impressions on this site. A redundant measure to keep me writing creatively, it just appeals to me as a perspective not often gathered and valuable, even. My ear’s to the ground, you know. The people at large hunger for the oft-neglected “groggy” opinion, right?
So I suppose this is the proper place to post anxieties, pin them up so I can see how silly they are flapping in the wind. My mind lately has been on grad school and trying to survive in general after graduation. I’m feeling a great pressure to put out creatively and, as you would guess, it’s stifling. At gunpoint I can produce but my mind’s a desert otherwise. What to do? I’ve looked at the top ten MFA programs in the country and half of them look good. If anyone’s thinking of doing the Columbia thing in NY: DON’T. What silly bastards they are on their website. They talk all kinds of bullshit about how prestigious their program is, which implies that they are advertising to a shit-fucking target audience the likes of which I could do without. They apparently still subcribe to the “tear you apart” workshop model where you grow a thick skin from having your ass handed to you as a rule each day. This, I’ve decided, worked in years past when it was still hip to “protect” “literature” like the whole hipster culture protects music, say, but as I go I’m leaning less and less toward exclusion of anything, even if it mass-produced tripe appealing to the lowest common denominator. Everything has something to offer, no?
I’ve also been thinking a lot lately of information conveyance. “Cool, Levi!” you might say, or “Get a life!” It’s dorky, sure, but here it is: things are changing faster than ever. Big news has a blogger stake in its heart, and no one’s hiring. I kind of feel like the economy’s adapting markedly slower than the technology that drives it, and the discrepancy’s going to butcher everyone that holds on to conventional images of what a “job” is. There isn’t much talk about technological evolution juxtaposed against human evolution (rate) and it smells to me like an interesting phenomenon is brewing: we’re lapping ourselves around the track. Does that make sense? None of our other systems (law, religion, government) can keep up with brains in the IT industry…okay. I’ve become distracted and don’t even know what I was talking about. /sigh
My bane. I never was much for practicality. Tomorrow we continue with things that may or may not have anything to do with reality. Cheers to that.